medi0cre

personal blog of a mediocre programmer trying to get good


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Failed interview

As should be obvious from the heading, I've failed the interview.

One evening I spontaneously applied for a few job openings and got an interview for one position I was really interested in. I did not prepare much at all, and there would not be much of a difference if I did. The job required much more knowledge than that which I currently have, so it was a pretty embarrasing interview. The perfect project to pass this interview would have been an operating system, but that would take a few months at least, and I was scared that the opening would disappear while I was preparing.

All in all, there are no more similar job openings in my country, all I have left is web development, or spend 3 more months preparing and hopefully pass an interview at Canonical, but I'm tired of wasting time.

I also spent 2 days in Stockholm for a concert and then 2 days in Tartu for some Fraternity stuff, it was a lot of fun. Tartu University might be a place I would like to get my masters.

I guess it's time to put my pride away and just accept the fact that web development is the only option for me as far as jobs go. Out of all the options my preferred area would be php back-end or full-stack.

At least I tried, I guess..

i must rest here a moment
Uncomfortable

The summer is over, almost, the weather is still very hot. I'm still at my old job, but at least I've got a routine that I'm able to stick to. The summer is over and I haven't got much programming done. I think my mindset of just doing projects to learn is not right. Since I'm at the stage where I've still got alot of learning to do, reading a book and working on a project that at least partly relates to what I'm reading is the best way, but finding a project you're genuinely interested in and are skilled enough to complete is the hard part.

The type of job I am looking for is both hard to be qualified for and low in availability. I was very close to just giving up and "settling" for a job that would be easier to get, but after a few days I decided that I'm going to push through, learn, get some projects done and hopefully my degree and the projects will be impressive enough to the interviewer. I'm not even sure what the job consists of and if I'm going to like it once I'm there, but the alternatives do not excite me as much as this job does.

Prayer has been very effective in helping me stick to my routine, we'll see how well it goes from now on, because my summer was a cycle of slowly settling/getting back into a productive routine, reaching the weekend, getting drunk, being too lazy/hungover to get back into the routine at the start of the week.

It is a very weird feeling not having to go to school now that September started, it feels like I'm falling behind, like I should have a new job already, or I should be continuing my studies, but I have no interest in getting a better degree or going into a job I'm not excited about.

There is a very big chance that I'm just not smart enough to get the job and I'm wasting my time chasing something I'm not made for, but I doubt there will be another time in my life where I will have the interest or chance to devote most of my time to achieving this goal.

I also noticed that the website looks shit on chromium because of the scroll bars, need to fix that somehow.

Echochamber : i'm real, i'm here
Temptation

In the last few days I've realised some important things.

Since returning back to my faith the never ending battle with sin has begun. I've started taking my faith much more seriously, reading, praying and trying to tackle my sins. The last few days have been especially hard as my mood has been pretty low and temptation at an all time high. I've managed to resist for a few days, but eventually gave in.

This defeat however brought an important realisation. Even though I am genuinely convinced of the trueness of my beliefs, my faith is still just a tiny seed that has barely hatched. Sin can only be defeated with faith, not logical conviction. To cultivate your faith, an active spiritual life is necessary. This can be in the form of deep prayer, participation in the mysteries of the Church and in the life of the Church in general.

My journey has only just started, I do not have a spiritual father, I am too reluctant to go to Church alone. There is much work to be done, but the fruit it will bring is worth more than the world.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

Doing better

I feel like I am climbing out of a hole in which I have been stuck for years. Years of feeling lazy, unmotivated, constantly procrastinating. One of the biggest changes which brought instant results is improved sleep. I started going to sleep early(22:00-23:00, although it takes some time to fall asleep), and waking up early(7:00). I want to slowly work up to waking up at 6:00.

This is not the first time I set out on the right track in life, but what almost always knocked me back down was drinking. I would get shitfaced, come home late, have shit sleep and spend the next day hungover and unable to get anything done. Getting back into the rhythm of getting stuff done is really hard after a day of drinking, which sucks, because I enjoy drinking with friends. Drinking has unfortunately become a big part of socializing. I don't remember the last time I went out with friends and did not drink at all.

Programming is easier, not in the sense that I'm better at it, but now it is easier to start doing it. I'm not overthinking about whether my current project is worth putting effort into, or whether I want to do it at all. I have a todo list, a github repo to which I need to make commits to, so I just sit down and do it.

I'm also trying to start journaling, which is largely inspired by this video. I could never get into journaling for a long amount of time, even though there are huge benefits to it. The method described in the video seems simple and not time consuming, so hopefully I am not going to abandon this practice.

Setting up

Decided to create a personal website/blog after watching a video on youtube (I have no original thoughts). Planning to use this mostly as a diary, will see where it goes. I am tired, I was drinking with friends until 3 AM and slept less than 6 hours, should have napped instead of watching ig reels.