medi0cre

For most of my life I've been what I would call an 'entertainment addict'. Every second of my free time had to be consumed by entertainment, and anything that took away from that time was an annoyance that I had to rid myself of as soon as possible.

I'm not sure whether this is an addiction, or a lifestyle, or a result of an unfulfilling existence, or a result of refusing to live in reality, but it is very common I'm sure. This is definitely a trap that is very easy to get into and by the time you realize there is a problem, a lot of damage has already been done, most of it in the form of lost time, our most precious resource.

I don't know exactly how I got into this situation, but I suspect it started with watching youtubers as a teen, which just grew into my adult life and became more damaging. If I was not studying/working/hanging with friends, 90% of the time I was on youtube, scrolling for something to distract and entertain me for however long I had. I've had hobbies, but none to which I would dedicate as much time as I did to entertainment, and it shows. I've started programming about 7 years ago, and I've very little to show for it except degrees. I've taken up reading literature as a hobby probably 9 years ago, I don't think I've read even 50 books in that time. I've tried and abandoned guitar, piano, photography. The only hobby that I achieved any proficiency in are video games, which is cool if you're 15 and can carry your friends in games, but who cares about that at my age? I don't.

How do you escape this lifestyle? Do you just quit cold turkey and cut all online entertainment out of your life? (good for you if you can). Do you set time limits on your most visited apps and platforms? Do you come up with intricate and detailed rules on the use of entertainment media? I don't know. I've tried many ways and I've had temporary successes, but none that would last longer than 2 months, after which I would give in and eventually return to my old habits.

This is probably the biggest issue in my life, a parasite which has been sucking the life out of me for too many years, and I understand that it is a result of a comfortable life. I don't have to worry about food, shelter, I'm in good health, my country is not at war, etc. However just because this problem is a result of a comfortable life does not make it an easy one to solve. This parasite has been with me for almost half of my life now, it is deeply embedded into my life and all of my attempts to deal with it eventually lead to failure.

I don't know how to end this rant, I don't have the solution to this problem, theres probably millions of people in a similar situation as me, but all of the advice I come across regarding entertainment addiction is absolute garbage. It seems like most people affected by this either do not care, or don't care enough. Everyone knows there is a problem, some still have not realized the damage done to their lives, but everyone has paid the price for each minute of 'free' entertainment they have consumed.

Recently my self-esteem was at an all time low, I saw myself as a complete failure with no possibility of redemption, just another empty person consuming whatever I was given. It was unbearable, so it was time to try something again. One thing I planned to do was to replace youtube with reading(wow, how creative). I know it sounds generic, but hear me out. Real change does not come if you change your actions, you still remain the same person with the same desires. What has to change is you. For you to change your habits you have to change how you percieve yourself. So I tried to percieve myself as an avid reader. What is he like? Cultured, well-read, able to express himself freely, respects his time and himself, educated, sophisticated, etc., etc. Once I saw myself as this person the thought of going on youtube seemed offensive. It seemed so far below me to go into this pigpen of entertainment and degrade myself. My time is worth much more, my attention is worth much more, I am above this.

This approach seems much more promising. The effort you have to put in to stick to your new habits is much lower, you're not forcing yourself to read instead of wathing youtube, you want to read, you'd much rather read than watch a youtube video. This seems like a good first step to a more fulfilling life. Some amount of online entertainment will still be present in my life, but it has to be secondary to reading and my other hobbies. This is something I've yet to think about.

One more important thing which probably needs a separate post about it. Silence. The constant stream of entertainment, music, etc. silences your thoughts. To think you need silence, if you haven't already, incorporate it into your day. Set aside 15-30 minutes/an hour/even more if you need to just do nothing and let the thoughts emerge. You're probably carrying a lot that has to be thought through properly. If we don't stop and think about where we're going, we're going nowhere.

MEITEI - Shinkai

As should be obvious from the heading, I've failed the interview.

One evening I spontaneously applied for a few job openings and got an interview for one position I was really interested in. I did not prepare much at all, and there would not be much of a difference if I did. The job required much more knowledge than that which I currently have, so it was a pretty embarrasing interview. The perfect project to pass this interview would have been an operating system, but that would take a few months at least, and I was scared that the opening would disappear while I was preparing.

All in all, there are no more similar job openings in my country, all I have left is web development, or spend 3 more months preparing and hopefully pass an interview at Canonical, but I'm tired of wasting time.

I also spent 2 days in Stockholm for a concert and then 2 days in Tartu for some Fraternity stuff, it was a lot of fun. Tartu University might be a place I would like to get my masters.

I guess it's time to put my pride away and just accept the fact that web development is the only option for me as far as jobs go. Out of all the options my preferred area would be php back-end or full-stack.

At least I tried, I guess..

i must rest here a moment

The summer is over, almost, the weather is still very hot. I'm still at my old job, but at least I've got a routine that I'm able to stick to. The summer is over and I haven't got much programming done. I think my mindset of just doing projects to learn is not right. Since I'm at the stage where I've still got alot of learning to do, reading a book and working on a project that at least partly relates to what I'm reading is the best way, but finding a project you're genuinely interested in and are skilled enough to complete is the hard part.

The type of job I am looking for is both hard to be qualified for and low in availability. I was very close to just giving up and "settling" for a job that would be easier to get, but after a few days I decided that I'm going to push through, learn, get some projects done and hopefully my degree and the projects will be impressive enough to the interviewer. I'm not even sure what the job consists of and if I'm going to like it once I'm there, but the alternatives do not excite me as much as this job does.

Prayer has been very effective in helping me stick to my routine, we'll see how well it goes from now on, because my summer was a cycle of slowly settling/getting back into a productive routine, reaching the weekend, getting drunk, being too lazy/hungover to get back into the routine at the start of the week.

It is a very weird feeling not having to go to school now that September started, it feels like I'm falling behind, like I should have a new job already, or I should be continuing my studies, but I have no interest in getting a better degree or going into a job I'm not excited about.

There is a very big chance that I'm just not smart enough to get the job and I'm wasting my time chasing something I'm not made for, but I doubt there will be another time in my life where I will have the interest or chance to devote most of my time to achieving this goal.

I also noticed that the website looks shit on chromium because of the scroll bars, need to fix that somehow.

Echochamber : i'm real, i'm here

In the last few days I've realised some important things.

Since returning back to my faith the never ending battle with sin has begun. I've started taking my faith much more seriously, reading, praying and trying to tackle my sins. The last few days have been especially hard as my mood has been pretty low and temptation at an all time high. I've managed to resist for a few days, but eventually gave in.

This defeat however brought an important realisation. Even though I am genuinely convinced of the trueness of my beliefs, my faith is still just a tiny seed that has barely hatched. Sin can only be defeated with faith, not logical conviction. To cultivate your faith, an active spiritual life is necessary. This can be in the form of deep prayer, participation in the mysteries of the Church and in the life of the Church in general.

My journey has only just started, I do not have a spiritual father, I am too reluctant to go to Church alone. There is much work to be done, but the fruit it will bring is worth more than the world.

Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

I feel like I am climbing out of a hole in which I have been stuck for years. Years of feeling lazy, unmotivated, constantly procrastinating. One of the biggest changes which brought instant results is improved sleep. I started going to sleep early(22:00-23:00, although it takes some time to fall asleep), and waking up early(7:00). I want to slowly work up to waking up at 6:00.

This is not the first time I set out on the right track in life, but what almost always knocked me back down was drinking. I would get shitfaced, come home late, have shit sleep and spend the next day hungover and unable to get anything done. Getting back into the rhythm of getting stuff done is really hard after a day of drinking, which sucks, because I enjoy drinking with friends. Drinking has unfortunately become a big part of socializing. I don't remember the last time I went out with friends and did not drink at all.

Programming is easier, not in the sense that I'm better at it, but now it is easier to start doing it. I'm not overthinking about whether my current project is worth putting effort into, or whether I want to do it at all. I have a todo list, a github repo to which I need to make commits to, so I just sit down and do it.

I'm also trying to start journaling, which is largely inspired by this video. I could never get into journaling for a long amount of time, even though there are huge benefits to it. The method described in the video seems simple and not time consuming, so hopefully I am not going to abandon this practice.

Decided to create a personal website/blog after watching a video on youtube (I have no original thoughts). Planning to use this mostly as a diary, will see where it goes. I am tired, I was drinking with friends until 3 AM and slept less than 6 hours, should have napped instead of watching ig reels.